


How Can We Win?

by electribunny



Category: Original Work
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Infidelity, Marriage Proposal, Modeling, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, if u somehow find this and ur not in that group, im so sorry, this is for a very specific group of people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25946422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electribunny/pseuds/electribunny
Summary: As nice as the thought of a soulmate was, the reality of the situation was that most people never found their soulmate. How could you, in a world of 7 billion? She was happy with her fiance, more than happy, but sometimes she still wished that she had managed to find her soulmate.---In a world where you gain a bright blue mark on your skin on the place where you and your soulmate first touch, The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can't Buy, Must Woo) has come to terms with the fact that she will probably never meet her soulmate. Because of this, she has settled into a loveless marriage with her high school sweetheart, Gritty. However, everything changes when she comes across her soulmate in the most unexpected of places.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character, The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can't Buy Must Woo)/Gritty, The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can't Buy Must Woo)/Marketable Plushie Sidney Crosby
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	How Can We Win?

**Author's Note:**

> If you are not a member of OMGSP and you stumbled across this I am so so sorry. I'm afraid this won't make much sense to you. This is the first thing I've written in the like two weeks and it's literally a joke. This is my first crack fic tho so woohoo for that! 
> 
> This isn't beta read bc I'm not gonna waste someones time on this lol. sorry for any grammar mistakes
> 
> title is from Dodie's "Sick of Losing Soulmates." 
> 
> okay, I think that's it! enjoy...whatever this is!
> 
> Tumblr: lavender-hxney

The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can’t Buy, Must Woo) sat and sighed, watching the sunrise as she rocked back and forth on the porch swing. She had everything she wanted. She was  **the** Hottest Woman in Kentucky, she had gotten wooed, and she was on track to marry her high school sweetheart, only a year after she graduated. So why did she feel so unfulfilled? 

As nice as the thought of a soulmate was, the reality of the situation was that most people never found their soulmate. How could you, in a world of 7 billion? She was happy with her fiance, more than happy, but sometimes she still wished that she had managed to find her soulmate. 

The door behind her creaked open, and she sighed in relief when she found that it was just Bee and not her fiance. G liked to sleep in, so she took the mornings to get some time to herself. 

“Good Morning, Ma’am” they smiled at her, teacup in one hand, bottle in the other. “I brought you your tea.” 

“Oh. Thank you.” THWIKCBMW forced a smile. 

“Just how you like it. Black tea. I didn’t know how much mayo you wanted so I just brought the whole bottle.” Bee set the tea down at the table, and went to pour in the mayo. “Just tell me when to stop, okay?” 

“Of course. A little more. A little more. Stop.” She said, and Bee set down the bottle and began to stir. Once it was stirred in, they grabbed the spoon and the mayo bottle and went to head inside. 

“If you need anything else let us know, okay? Alex will be out here to grab your dishes.” Bee said, halfway inside. 

“I will. Thank you again.” THWIKCBMW plastered on one last fake smile, and then they were gone. She couldn’t understand why she just couldn’t be happy. A beautiful house, a caring fiance, two live-in assistants, what more could she want? 

She looked down the road when she heard chatter. There it was. The  _ other _ reason she sat outside for the sunrise in the mornings. 

Backlit by the sun, laughing as he slung his hockey bag over his shoulder, was Marketable Plushie Sidney Crosby. Marketable Plushie Geno was right next to him, laughing along to the joke. 

THWIKCBMW sighed. She knew she shouldn’t look, she knew she was engaged, but how could she not, when he was so radiant? She took a sip of her tea. Marketable Plushie Crosby quickly waved to her as they walked past. She raised a hand and waved back. 

She watched as they walked away. She sighed. What she had needed to be enough. She finished her tea in silence, and sure enough, Alex came outside to collect her cup, right on time. She knew she needed to get ready for work, but she couldn’t help but stare into the street for much longer than she normally did. 

She was startled out of her thoughts by the door opening. She looked up to see Gritty standing there, a worried look on his face. 

He grunted softly at her. 

“Yes, I’m fine love. It’s just...such a  _ lovely day! _ You should come sit with me G.” 

Gritty smiled and sat down on the swing next to her. It was well into the morning. THWIKCBMW was going to be late for work. She sighed and leaned her head into Gritty’s shoulder. 

It had to be enough. 

\---

The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can’t Buy, Must Woo) wasn’t too keen on losing her job. She called her agent to let him know she would be a little late, but it wasn’t a big deal. Alicia Zimmermann could wait. 

She got dressed and was walking past the assistant’s rooms when she heard chatter. 

“Yeah, I don’t know, she seemed really sad this morning? She barely wanted any mayo in her tea. She normally loves that shit.” Bee said, tying up their hair. 

“She was still out there when I went to collect her cup, she was just staring into the street. Maybe we should get her a therapy appointment or something?” Alex suggested, laying on the bed as they went on their phone. 

“Maybe,” Bee said, and THWIKCBMW went to walk past. In her carelessness, she stepped on the floorboard that always creaked, and both teenagers snapped their heads up. 

“Ma’am, did you need something?” Alex asked, setting his phone down. 

“Oh, no, I was just walking past.” She forced a smile. “Heading to work.” 

“Call us if you need anything, okay?” Bee asked, looking genuinely concerned. 

“Of course.” THWIKCBMW grinned and then ran off. She didn’t want to be in a building with other people when she started crying.

\---

She managed to get it out of her system before she pulled up to work. She was rushed straight to hair and makeup as she apologized for being late. The workers assured her it was fine, and she was seated next to Alicia Zimmermann. 

“The Hottest Woman in Kentucky, Can’t But Must Woo!” Alicia exclaimed. “How are you!” She smiled. 

“Oh, lovely, how are you?” 

“I’m doing great, I was just telling Katie here about how I found Bob as my soulmate!” She gestured to the makeup artist, who smiled and waved her brush. 

_ Way to rub it in _ THWIKCBMW sighed and tried to shake the thought out of her head. 

“It really is a lovely story.” She smiled. “Katie, what kind of makeup are we doing today?” 

“Oh! Yellow and Black! You guys are doing some kind of promotional thing for the Pens! Marketable Plushie Crosby and Marketable Plushie Geno are going to be here!” 

“Oh my god.” THWIKCBMW sighed under her breath. It was going to be a long day. Katie was sweet though, and nice to talk to. She listened to Alicia talk about her soul marks and looked politely at the two blue handprints on her forearms (Where Bob had grabbed her at some random Gala in the ’80s to prevent her from tripping.)

To say she was nervous was an understatement. Luckily, the day started with just her and Alicia. But eventually, the dreaded moment happened. Her eyes snapped to Marketable Plushie Crosby and Marketable Plushie Geno as they were led into the room. She felt her face flush as she noticed how the outfit Marketable Plushie Crosby had been given accentuated his muscles. 

She was being stupid, she just had to get through one photoshoot, and she’d be fine. 

“Hey! I’m Marketable Plushie Geno! You two must be Alicia Zimmermann and The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can’t Buy, Must Woo.) How are you two!” 

“Oh! I’m good!” Alicia responded.

“And you?” Marketable Plushy Geno asked. 

“Oh! I’m doing just fine.” THWIKCBMW said. 

“That’s good to hear.” Marketable Plushie Crosby smiled at her and reached out to shake her hand. She took it. 

And felt a shift in her hand. She looked down and saw that the portions of her hand that Marketable Plushie Crosby was touching had turned blue. His hand was the same. 

“Well, I guess we should get to know each other a little better, huh.” He chuckled. 

The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can’t Buy, Must Woo.) was elated! She had finally found her soulmate, and it was the cute boy she was pining after! How could life get any better!

She was engaged. To someone that was not Marketable Plushie Crosby. Shit. 

\---

She knew Alicia was giving her looks the whole time, and she couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t that she meant to flirt with Marketable Plushie Crosby, but it happened so naturally. So what if she leaned into him a little more than what was acceptable? He was her soulmate. 

They took a break for lunch, and just as she was about to sit down, Marketable Plushie Crosby grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her into the nearest supply closet. Before she knew what was happening, his lips were on hers. 

“Marketable Plushie Crosby. Marketable Plushie Crosby. Wait. Wait.” She shoved him back. 

“The Hottest Woman In Kentucky Can’t Buy, Must Woo. what’s wrong?” 

“I’m engaged.” 

“What?” He pulled back, shocked. 

“Yeah, I’m engaged.” 

“You...didn’t wait for me?” 

“You know how rare it is to actually find your soulmate, right? I wasn’t going to live my whole life waiting for something that might never happen.” 

“Okay. Yeah. I understand. Do you...” Marketable Plushie Crosby took a deep breath. “Do you love him?” 

“No.” There were tears in THWIKCBMW’s eyes at this point. “No, I don’t. And I wish I would’ve waited for you. So badly.” 

“How far away is the wedding?” He asked. 

“I don’t know. We haven’t started planning it yet.” 

“Then there’s still time. We’ll figure something out, I promise.” Marketable Plushie Crosby grabbed her hands. “It’s going to work out.” 

“Okay. Okay.” The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can’t Buy, Must Woo.) took a deep breath. 

“Anyway.” He smiled at her. “Where were we?” 

She smiled back and pulled him closer. 

\---

The Hottest Woman In Kentucky (Can’t Buy Must Woo.) returned home from work with butterflies in her stomach and a new contact in her phone. 

Her heart dropped when she pulled up to the house and looked down at her hands. What was she going to say to Gritty? 

She held her sweater so that it covered her soulmark, and headed inside, filled with guilt. Sure, she didn’t love Gritty  _ like that _ , but he was an important part of her life, and had never actually done anything bad to her. It wasn’t his fault he wasn’t her soulmate. 

She walked inside and was met with Gritty sitting in the living room, watching TV. 

“Hey honey, how was your day?” She asked, trying not to show that she had literally cheated on him earlier that day. 

He grunted in approval, and she smiled at him. 

“I’m just gonna put my stuff down then I’ll come and sit with you, okay love?” 

He nodded, and she went to their bedroom. She slammed the door and flopped down onto the bed.  _ Their  _ bed. 

“What am I going to do,” THWIKCBMW mumbled into the pillows. After taking a moment to compose herself she walked to her vanity and grabbed the foundation and concealer. After a while, her soulmark was completely covered. She threw on some powder to make sure it wouldn’t budge, then went to join Gritty in the living room. 

When she walked back down the stairs she heard Gritty make a noise which she knew translated to. “What took you so long?” 

“Sorry love, I just had to use the bathroom. What are we watching?” 

He gestured to the screen, where Flyers highlights were playing. Of course. 

“Great!” She hopped onto the couch and curled into Gritty’s side. Almost by default, she caught herself repeating the mantra “This has to be enough.”

She stopped. It didn’t have to be enough anymore. In fact, it  _ wasn’t enough  _ anymore, not with the blue mark on her hand and a sign of hope. She snuggled closer to Gritty and tried to stop the train of thought. 

\---

Bee and Alex had Friday nights off, so THWIKCBMW and Gritty made themselves grilled chicken, and ate it together. Gritty had set up candles, and it would’ve been awfully romantic if it weren’t for the fact that she had been thinking about someone else the entire night. They split up the chores after, as they normally did, and she began on the dishes as Gritty cleaned the kitchen. 

The Hottest Woman in Kentucky (Can’t Buy, Must Woo.) stuck her hands in the water and began scrubbing. Halfway through the dishes she grabbed a knife, then promptly dropped it as it slid in the soap. It cut a gash through her dish glove, and when she looked down there was blood in the sinkwater. 

“Oh, shit. Honey, can you get me a bandage please?” She asked, clutching her hand. Gritty nodded and ran to the bathroom. She peeled off the glove and looked down at her hand. It was an ugly mix of blood and running foundation. 

Her soulmark was clearly visible. She was fucked. She heard Gritty come into the room, heard his hurt noise when he went for her hand and saw the blue. But she refused to look up at him. 

She didn’t know how long it was until Gritty grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him.

“How long.” Gritty made a noise. 

“Earlier today. While I was at work. Gritty, I’m so sorry.” 

“Who.” 

She took a deep breath. “Marketable Plushie Sidney Crosby,” she said quietly. “I was going to tell you, I promise.”

Gritty didn’t answer, just turned around and left. The Hottest Woman In Kentucky (Can’t Buy, Must Woo.) sighed. She went to gather pillows and sleep on the couch. 

She sat down and sighed. She bandaged her hand and pulled out her phone to text Marketable Plushie Sidney Crosby. 

**Gritty found the mark. He isn’t too happy.**

**Oh no. Do you need to come over?**

**No. I should be fine. He doesn’t know that we kissed, just that I found my soulmate.**

**Let me know if you need anything, okay?**

**Of course.**

She didn’t sleep well that night. 

\---

She woke up to Bee and Alex talking among themselves in the kitchen. 

“...wonder what happened. She’s sleeping on the couch.” She heard Bee say. 

“I don’t know. Gritty seemed pretty upset too. Should we ask?” Alex responded. 

“Oh no, I think it would just make things worse. Do you think we should still make her tea?” Bee asked. 

“I wouldn’t. She doesn’t seem like she’s getting up anytime soon.” Alex said. 

The Hottest Woman In Kentucky (Can’t Buy, Must Woo.) rolled over and went back to sleep. 

\---

She woke up again halfway through the day. She looked down and saw a text from Marketable Plushie Crosby. 

**How’s it going?**

**I don’t know, I just woke up. I really don’t know what to do though.**

**Run away with me? Pack some stuff, come over, shotgun wedding?**

**That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?**

**Do you have a better plan?**

**...No. Pick me up in 30?**

**Yeah. See you then. Good luck <3**

She didn’t answer, just pocketed her phone and got up, went to her room, and began to pack. She grabbed a suitcase and began filling it with the essentials. She didn’t want to take much anyway. It all reminded her of Gritty. 

Halfway through packing the door opened. Gritty stood there, looking rough. She felt horrible. 

“I’m so sorry.” She said. It was barely a whisper. 

Gritty ignored her and turned right back around, walking out of the door. She sighed. She felt  **awful.** She finished packing the rest of her things and took her suitcase out to the front. She sat on the porch swing and waited for Marketable Plushie Crosby to drive up. 

The door creaked open, and to her relief, it wasn’t Gritty standing there, but instead Alex and Bee. Their eyes both snapped to her soulmark and lit up in understanding. After a few seconds, Alex spoke up. 

“Um. Sorry, we didn’t make your tea. We didn’t know if you wanted it or not.” 

“Oh. No. I didn’t want it. Don’t apologize.”

It was silent for a while. She looked down at her hands. Her ring glittered beautifully in the sun, as if it was mocking her. She took one last good look at it and handed it to Bee.

“Give that to G, okay? And tell him I’m sorry.” She was crying again. “I’m so sorry. Take care of him, okay?” 

Bee just nodded, and placed the ring into their pocket. Marketable Plushie Crosby pulled up then. She took one last moment to acknowledge the life she was leaving. THWIKCBMW considered trying to apologize to Gritty one last time, but figured it would hurt less if she just left. 

Marketable Plushie Crosby helped her place her suitcase into the trunk, and she couldn’t help but notice the sparks as their hands touched. He held the door open for her, and she gave one last wave to Alex and Bee before slamming the door. He got into the driver’s seat, and began driving. 

She took a final look at the house before they turned the corner. Bee was handing something to Gritty, probably the ring. He looked crushed. That was the last time she would ever see her ex-fiance. 

“I’m a horrible person,” THWIKCBMW said. Marketable Plushie Crosby placed his hand on her thigh. 

“He was going to get hurt either way. This’ll be better for him in the long run. Imagine if you stayed. Imagine how uncertain he would always feel. How sad he’d get every time he looked at your hand.” 

“You’re right.” She sighed. “I just wish it wasn’t so hard.” 

“Sometimes things like this aren’t easy.” He pulled over. “But the past is the past. We can’t change the way things played out.” 

“You’re right.” She leaned over to kiss him. 

“I got us flights to Vegas tomorrow.” He said as they pulled away. 

“Why?” 

“Well that’s where all proper shotgun weddings happen, isn’t it?” 

“Oh goodness.” She began giggling. “We’re really doing this, aren’t we.” 

“Yeah. We’re doing this. Oh, here.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. 

“The Hottest Woman in Kentucky, Can’t Buy, Must Woo, will you marry me?” 

“Oh!” She began laughing again. “Oh my goodness, yes!” She grabbed the ring and slid it on her finger. It fit perfectly, replacing the slot where a different ring sat just a few minutes before. Another wave of guilt shot through her, but it was mixed with elation. 

She was getting married to her soulmate. She had a blue mark on her hand that matched his, and a gorgeous ring and she couldn’t help but stare at him as he began driving again. She never thought she would be able to have what she had. 

She started laughing again as the butterflies hit her stomach. She had it all. 

It was more than enough. 

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
